. . . When it comes to this situation, I'm always faced with the voice in the back of my mind shouting, "things will never change!" Yet, in some other (very small and hidden) corner of my mind there's a quiet but confident voice reassuring me of the possibility that maybe, one day, things will change. The problem is I can not distinguish which is the voice of reason and which is the voice of fear. After writing about the same thing over and over, I'm seeing that I have been back-tracking for the greater part of my time spent on this conflict. In the absence of growth I've mastered the art of tuning out my feelings (the good, and the bad) and I've forgotten how to allow the experiences to show me what I'm supposed to find. Life isn't always a hunt for the best, or a race to the finish line. Sometimes it's just a game of Where's Waldo, the kind of game where you take the time to enjoy the ridiculousness in every inch of the page, the kind of game in which you embrace all the non-Waldos with contentment just to find that suddenly, boom . . . there's Waldo.
There's Waldo and suddenly you realize that the time you've spent searching has only shown you everything that Waldo is not, but not at all what exactly Waldo is, and a whole new search has begun.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Direction
Today's Waldo is direction.
I've recently realized that I spend (or waste . . . ) a lot of my time trying to make decisions that don't really matter. They don't matter because by the time I come up with one, it seems the situation has changed completely anyway and it isn't applicable anymore. That, and I can't stick with decisions. On one hand, I stress myself out over things so much trying to be "logical" or "rational" that I drive myself crazy. But on the other hand isn't it kind of a responsibility to yourself and the people around you that you make the effort to do what's best? I feel like I have a constant battle in my mind between the part of me believes that I need to be careful in what I do/say because everything affects and determines everything else in your life and your future, yet at the same time, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Why my mind jumps to these dramatic and over-exaggerated conclusions constantly is beyond my understanding. And having to live with my thoughts I can tell you it's also incredibly irritating. But no matter how many times I tell myself it's ok, I don't feel ok. I'm pretty sure this is connected to my previous obsession with my horoscope, magic 8 balls, the song game, and fortune cookies. And I can also say that since I stopped reading my horoscope my stress level over making decisions has gone way up because suddenly I am the one in charge of that decision. Not just the astrologer who comes up with crazy bizarre scenarios that I somehow over interpret and make directly connected to my life, but me.
I've recently realized that I spend (or waste . . . ) a lot of my time trying to make decisions that don't really matter. They don't matter because by the time I come up with one, it seems the situation has changed completely anyway and it isn't applicable anymore. That, and I can't stick with decisions. On one hand, I stress myself out over things so much trying to be "logical" or "rational" that I drive myself crazy. But on the other hand isn't it kind of a responsibility to yourself and the people around you that you make the effort to do what's best? I feel like I have a constant battle in my mind between the part of me believes that I need to be careful in what I do/say because everything affects and determines everything else in your life and your future, yet at the same time, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Why my mind jumps to these dramatic and over-exaggerated conclusions constantly is beyond my understanding. And having to live with my thoughts I can tell you it's also incredibly irritating. But no matter how many times I tell myself it's ok, I don't feel ok. I'm pretty sure this is connected to my previous obsession with my horoscope, magic 8 balls, the song game, and fortune cookies. And I can also say that since I stopped reading my horoscope my stress level over making decisions has gone way up because suddenly I am the one in charge of that decision. Not just the astrologer who comes up with crazy bizarre scenarios that I somehow over interpret and make directly connected to my life, but me.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Where's My Waldo?
I feel like this blog has to come with a few explanations:
1. This has absolutely nothing to do with Where's Waldo, sorry to disappoint.
2. "Waldo" is a metaphor (for whatever it is I'm seeking in life at any given moment). And the harder you look for it, the harder it is to find.
3. The name came about when a friend and I were searching for someone in a crowd. We realized it was like a giant, real-life game of Where's Waldo and when I couldn't find Waldo, I was really disappointed. That made me think of the disappointment when you go through life searching for something, maybe it's just too specific and impossible to find or maybe you weren't supposed to find it, or maybe it's meaningless that you didn't find it. Whatever the case may be not finding Waldo, in the end, sucks.
That being said, today's Waldo is: commitment.
This is my 8th blog in a little over a year. As much as I'd like to say it's because I'm full of so many great ideas that they just keep going and going...this is not the case. Nope, really it's just because I can not, under any circumstance, finish what I've started. In any aspect of my life. But, I'd like to think of this one as different. 8 is my favorite number, so what more of a reason do I need to stick with something?
Let me also make it clear that I'm not making any reference to me being a commitmentphobe when it comes to relationships. While this may have particles of truth in it, it's not what I'm trying to get at. I mean, not to make it seem like I'm grasping at straws here to make anything relate to the anti-commitment thing I'm getting across, but even as I'm writing this I'm starting to think this may not be too good of a topic to write a whole blog entry about. There are so many other unrelated things I want to say, like how I also have a pattern of pushing away what's good in my life. I find something that fits, that works, that's natural and what do I do? Run the fuck away. I don't know why. I'm rambling, I've been out of practice of this writing thing for awhile being that the only thing I've written the past half of a year is rhetorical analysis and criticisms, which unfortunately for my life's plan does not come in too handy while trying to tackle everyday life situations. Or maybe it does? I could give you a reason why it does, but that would lead to more rambling, which at this point really needs to come to an end.
Be back later.
1. This has absolutely nothing to do with Where's Waldo, sorry to disappoint.
2. "Waldo" is a metaphor (for whatever it is I'm seeking in life at any given moment). And the harder you look for it, the harder it is to find.
3. The name came about when a friend and I were searching for someone in a crowd. We realized it was like a giant, real-life game of Where's Waldo and when I couldn't find Waldo, I was really disappointed. That made me think of the disappointment when you go through life searching for something, maybe it's just too specific and impossible to find or maybe you weren't supposed to find it, or maybe it's meaningless that you didn't find it. Whatever the case may be not finding Waldo, in the end, sucks.
That being said, today's Waldo is: commitment.
This is my 8th blog in a little over a year. As much as I'd like to say it's because I'm full of so many great ideas that they just keep going and going...this is not the case. Nope, really it's just because I can not, under any circumstance, finish what I've started. In any aspect of my life. But, I'd like to think of this one as different. 8 is my favorite number, so what more of a reason do I need to stick with something?
Let me also make it clear that I'm not making any reference to me being a commitmentphobe when it comes to relationships. While this may have particles of truth in it, it's not what I'm trying to get at. I mean, not to make it seem like I'm grasping at straws here to make anything relate to the anti-commitment thing I'm getting across, but even as I'm writing this I'm starting to think this may not be too good of a topic to write a whole blog entry about. There are so many other unrelated things I want to say, like how I also have a pattern of pushing away what's good in my life. I find something that fits, that works, that's natural and what do I do? Run the fuck away. I don't know why. I'm rambling, I've been out of practice of this writing thing for awhile being that the only thing I've written the past half of a year is rhetorical analysis and criticisms, which unfortunately for my life's plan does not come in too handy while trying to tackle everyday life situations. Or maybe it does? I could give you a reason why it does, but that would lead to more rambling, which at this point really needs to come to an end.
Be back later.
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